Friday, January 15, 2016

Friday's Funny-- Arrest Reports

     The police court reporter for the Auburn NY Daily Bulletin during the 1870's considered himself quite a wit, especially when it came to public intoxication charges.  Below are a few of his irreverent attempts at humor:

Bridget Malony, as full of gin as the skin of a bologna is full of--nobody knows what--was placed in the cooler last evening by Officer Sullivan.

Hans Krout soured on his benzine and effervesced into a state of comotosity in the calaboose under the auspices of Chief Daniels.  Not having any collateral nor being worth confinement, he was discharged.

Callahan Connor, full of fuel oil, was taken before his honor by Officer Boyle, after lying around loose in the calaboose, in consequence of the juice extracted from corn, which Callahan put to use in the shape of many a horn.

James DeWare, with an overdose of cholera preventative which went to his head, was sent to the foot by Officer Moore, for missing on a hard word--sobriety.

James McElroy, a limb of the legal persuasion, and knowing that possession is nine "pints" in law, had a lien put on himself and about nine pints of benzine yesterday by Officer Casper, who seized him according to the statute, and habeased his corpus into the calaboose.

Mary Muldoon was drunk as a loon, and didn't seem like to get sober quite soon;  she seemed to be up in a benzine balloon--so high was Miss Mary--most up to the moon.

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